


Something Divine

by Beserk



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types, Jesus Christ Superstar 2012 - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Resurrection, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beserk/pseuds/Beserk
Summary: She screams when she sees it, unable to stop herself. No matter what Judas has done, he's still her friend, and she still loves him. Despite their many, many differences, Judas is always there for her when she needs him, always ready to hold her up when she was ready to fall.And now he's dangling from a tree, meters from the ground."John!"She doesn’t need to call to him, he's already on the move. Rushing forward, climbing up the tree and cutting their friend down. Judas's body collapses on the ground and Mary runs forward, cradling his blond head in her lap. She places two fingers on his pulse point, under the rope, and gasps."There's still a pulse," It's nearly gone, but still there. They can still save him.
Relationships: Jesus Christ & Judas Iscariot, Jesus Christ/Judas Iscariot
Comments: 25
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

"Judas!"

The sound of the scream tears through Mary as she pushes her way through the crowd, trying to get to the man she loves. The man she loves that is currently being whipped in the streets as the people around him laugh. John is at her side, his trembling hand in hers, helping her make her way past the sea of jeering people.

"Jesus!" John screams as they finally, finally, find themselves in front of the horrific scene. Mary gasps, her hands coming up to her mouth. He's tied to a pole, and his bare back is red, ribbons of flesh dangling off it, and she can see the white of the bones of his spine. _They've whipped him to the bone_.

She wants to go to him, but John's holding on to her arm, pining her in place. There's a part of her that knows that's the right thing to do, that she'll just end up joining Jesus if she rushes to him now. But most of her doesn’t care. She needs to save him-

"Judas," Jesus cries again, screaming in agony as the whip meets his flesh. The blood flies off of him and lands on Mary's cheek, and she feels it burn into her flesh, marking her. "Judas!"

He wants Judas. The realization hits Mary with all the force of a speeding train. Does he not know, that is was Judas? Or doesn’t he care? Despite it all, he still loves Judas.

A small, selfish part of Mary wants to ignore the screaming, be the only one there for Jesus. But that is cruelty on a level she can not even begin to comprehend, and the thought floods out of her as quickly as it came. She turns to John, who's looking at Jesus, hypnotized, and yells, "Where is Judas!"

"I don't care!" It's hard to hear past the screaming of the crowd and the sounds of agony coming from Jesus. "What does it matter, he betrayed us. He betrayed him!"

"He wouldn't have, not if he knew-he couldn't have known," Mary is not sure of many things, but she's sure of that. "Jesus wants him!"

That seems to get to John, who shivers and tugs her away, "I saw him going towards the hill!"

Mary nods, and yells at the screaming man, "We're getting him! We're getting him for you!"

*

She screams when she sees it, unable to stop herself. No matter what Judas has done, he's still her friend, and she still loves him. Despite their many, many differences, Judas is always there for her when she needs him, always ready to hold her up when she was ready to fall.

And now he's dangling from a tree, meters from the ground.

"John!"

She doesn’t need to call to him, he's already on the move. Rushing forward, climbing up the tree and cutting their friend down. Judas's body collapses on the ground and Mary runs forward, cradling his blond head in her lap. She places two fingers on his pulse point, under the rope, and gasps.

"There's still a pulse," It's nearly gone, but still there. They can still save him.

"Move," John snaps, grabbing Judas away from her. He places him on the ground and leans down, beginning to give him mouth-to-mouth, and it's mad, but the first thing that goes through Mary's mind is, _Jesus is going to be so upset John got to touch his lips before him._

It takes nearly five minutes, but eventually Judas lets out a small, choked out sound, and his eyes flitter open slightly. Mary lets out a shrill sound of relief and caresses Judas's hair out of his face.

"We need t-to get him to a hospital," She wipes her eyes. And then she needs to get back to Jesus. But not before she knows Judas will survive. She knows Jesus will never forgive her if she lets him die.

"Why?" John snaps, angry again. "This is all his fault. Jesus is going to die and it's his-"

"Jesus will never forgive us if we let him die."

And that's enough. John curses under his breath, but when he picks Judas's limp body his movements are gentle, and Mary is reminded that John loves Judas as well. They all love one another, there's no two ways around it. That's what Jesus did, that's what he managed to create. A family.

For the first time, she thinks that they might be all right without their leader. They'll take care of one another, at the very least.

*

"Judas," Jesus whispers, eyes closed as the blood from his crown of thorns trickles down his cheeks. Mary holds back a sob, knowing that she cannot collapse, not now, and brings the bottle to his dry lips.

"He's all right," She says, hoping it's not a lie. "He's all right."


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, oh my God."

Those are the first words he hears, when he comes out of the tomb. Mary is there, leaning on the ground, looking up at him like…like he's something divine. She's shivering, her whole-body trembling, and it hurts him to see her like this. Last time he saw her, she was carefully pressing a bottle to his cracked lips, giving him one last drink of water before he died. He had marveled at her kindness and at her bravery. She had been so strong, not one tear in her eyes.

Now, though…now she looks wrecked, like she can't hold herself up. He leans down, carefully raises her up, and she goes with him, gasping and shivering.

"Mary," He whispers. "It's all right. It's me."

"I know," She gasps, holding on to him like he's a piece of wood floating in the ocean. "I know, I know. I just can’t…"

Can't believe it.

That seems to be the theme. He needs to go through it with every one of the Twelve. They all collapse in front of him, and he needs to raise them up, and they look at him as something divine. And it's not at all what he wants. He just wants one of them to hug him, to ruffle his hair and tell him _you look like shit, man,_ or something like that.

He doesn’t want to feel like something disconnected from the rest of them.

After Simon is picked up from the ground, Jesus takes a deep breath, steeling himself for what will be the hardest one. If Judas collapses by his feet like this…he doesn’t know if he can handle it.

But Judas doesn’t come. He looks around the room, takes them all in. All twelve of them, including Mary. It should be thirteen.

"Where…" He swallows. "Where is Judas."

Silence. The Apostles look among themselves, swallowing.

"Where is Judas!" The words come out as more of a scream then a question, but it has the intended result.

James jumps up and says, "He's in the hospital."

"What?" Jesus shakes his head, taking a step backwards. "No. Why…why is he in the hospital?"

Another silence, but this one doesn’t need to be prompted to end. John walks forward, gets on one knee and says quietly, "He tried to hang himself."

"John, get up," Jesus says, dazed at the act of prostration, and then his friend's words hit him. "He tried to-"

He shakes his head. No, Judas would never…would he?

"It was his rule to play," Jesus says dully. "It had to be him. I-I thought he'd understand. I thought you'd all understand. Didn't you understand?"

No one replies to him, and he realizes that it's because they don't want to lie to him.

"I need to go to the hospital," He says sharply, looking up. "We need to go now-"

"You can't," Mary says quickly, and the apostles all let out sounds of horror. It takes Jesus longer then it should to realize that their discomfort has come from the fact that Mary had told him _no_ then his demand. "You'll be seen and…and taken away again."

"I think he wants to be seen," Simon says quietly. "Isn't that why you came back? To be seen? To prove that you're divine?"

Jesus nods numbly.

"But we need to plan it. We need to think how we'll reveal you," Peter says sharply.

"You can't go to the hospital-"

"Mary, I must see him!"

Mary swallows, "The doctors say he'll be released tomorrow evening. Can you…can you just wait until then?"

Jesus hesitates, but nods. He doesn't want to be revealed yet, he needs to see Judas before that happens.

*

Instead of going to the hospital, Peter drives him to his mother's place. They're quiet during the drive, with Jesus sitting in the back (like Peter is his driver, like he's a king).

When his mother opens her door there's surprise in her eyes, but not shock. She opens her arms and he collapses into them, and for a moment allows himself to cry into his mother's breast and have someone else hold the weight of the world for him. She soothes him, and starts singing _Hamalch HaGoel Oti_ , a lullaby she hadn't sung for in two decades or more. It only makes his tears rain harder, because now suddenly he misses Joseph as well.

 _I wish you'd been my father_ , he thinks bitterly. _If you'd been my father Judas would not be in the hospital. If you'd been my father I wouldn't have suffered so._

It doesn’t even feel like a betrayal to God the Father. He can barely bring himself to care anymore.

In the end, Jesus wipes his eyes and pulls himself away from Mary. They look at one another, mother and son, and Jesus asks, "Did you know? When the angel came to you? Did you know how it would end?"

His mother stiffens, and then nods, "Yes. I knew."

He pushes away and walks out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Jesus sits in one of the love chairs in their apartment, waiting. Most of the twelve aren't home, with the exception of Peter. James and John have gone to get Judas from the hospital, and the rest of them are out 'spreading the word', as Simon had put it. His eyes had been full of righteous fire when he spoke about it, and Jesus had been forced to look away.

"Peter," Jesus rubs his hands together. "Shouldn't they be here already?"

Peter snorts, turning away from the enormous pot of meatballs he's working on. He sounds bitter, but under the bitterness Jesus can hear the pain.

"They're probably fighting with the doctors to get him home," Peter says. "They want to put him in the psych ward."

"That's not-Judas wouldn't hurt himself. Not when there's so much good he can still do," Jesus shakes his head. They need to get him home, not leave him in a cold hospital with people who don't know him, and don't love him.

Peter's hands shake as he says, "He already has, remember?"

Jesus swallows. Its not that he forgot, it's just that it's so hard to believe.

"Well, he'll be safe here," He says dully. "We'll take care of him."

That seems to calm Peter down a bit, and he finishes making the food before coming to sit next to Jesus. Jesus takes his hand and caresses his knuckles, bringing the back of it up to his lips. Peter looks at him, fearful and raw and whispers, "I'm sorry I denied you."

Jesus shakes his head, horrified by the idea, "You can’t understand how grateful I am that you did. You'll never understand. I didn't want any of you to be martyred with me. I wanted you all alive and well. And together."

Peter's hold on his hand grows tighter, "Almost didn't have that. John…he says if he and Mary had been a moment later-"

His voice chokes up, and Jesus leaves the love seat to join Peter on the couch and take him into his arms.

"But they weren't," He whispers urgently. "And he'll be all right. We’ll make sure of it. We _will_."

Peter hiccups, but nods, and Jesus holds him in his arms until he collapses into an exhausted sleep. Jesus carefully puts him down on the sofa and stands up, walking towards the window.

He's planning on standing there waiting until he sees John's van, but when eh gets there the an is already parked so he scrambles to the door and waits anxiously for it to open.

When it does, the first person to come stumbling in is Judas. But before Jesus can take in more then bleary blue eyes and a bruised (oh, _Judas_ ) neck, Judas has already made a bee line to one of the bedrooms and slammed the door behind himself.

"Did you look the room over?" John asks.

"Yeah, there's nothing he can use," Peter mumbles from the sofa, having clearly been roused from sleep by Judas's entrance.

A shiver goes down Jesus's spine. _They mean something he can use to hurt himself again._

"Does…." Jesus swallows. "Does he know I'm back?"

Once more silence reigns supreme, and then John shakes his head, "I didn't know how to tell him. I thought….I thought you'd want to tell him yourself."

"I do," Jesus whispers. "I'll go to him now."

John and Peter exchange a glance, but they don't say anything. Jesus can't tell if they're staying quiet because they have nothing to say or because they don't believe they have the right to contradict him, and that _hurts._

He leaves them in the living room and goes over to the bedroom Judas had locked himself in, which is the first one of the three. Technically the apartment belongs to Thomas and Simon, but for the past three years basically all of them have slept there most nights. So each room has around five mattresses in them and are more like dorm rooms then anything else.

This one is the room Judas and Jesus normally sleep in. Judas's mattress is by the wall because of how close to the window it is, and Jesus's is the one next to him, because-

Well. Because it's next to him.

But when Jesus opens the door, Judas isn't laying on his mattress. He's lying on _Jesus's_ , face planted on the pillow, clutching it so hard Jesus is afraid it might tear. He walks slowly to the mattress, sitting down next to Judas. Next to his Judas, his fascinating, infuriating, _beloved_ Judas. He's right there, and he almost wasn't. He had almost lost him.

He carefully raises his hand and places it on Judas's filthy blond hair. His friend jerks away and looks up.

For a moment they stare at each other, and Judas looks so _wrecked_ , so _broken_ , that Jesus feels his very _soul_ screaming.

And then he shakes his head and turns away, "I'm dead."

"No-"

"I'm dreaming, then. I have to be dreaming-"

"No, my love. No," Jesus cups Judas's face in his hands and brings their foreheads together. "I'm here. I'm really here."

"You _died_. They crucified you. I saw it on the new," Judas is shaking, looking absolutely terrified.

"I came back," Jesus whispers. He lets go of Judas's face to draw him into a hug, and Judas buries his nose into the crock of Jesus's neck and begins to cry. "I came back, and I'm never going to leave you again."

"I killed you."

Jesus grows still, and then takes a deep breath and kisses Judas's head, once twice, three times. It feels so right, to have Judas so close to him. It doesn’t feel like they should ever be anywhere else but in each other's arms.

"Don't think that. Don't ever think that, please. What happened had to happen, and it was your role to play-"

It's the wrong thing to say, he can tell right away. Judas pushes away from him, wiping his eyes as if he suddenly can't handle showing any sort of weakness in front of Jesus. He stands up, weak and shaking, and takes a few steps away from Jesus.

"What do you mean. What do you mean it was my role to play? Did-did your father make me do this?"

"That's not what I said," Jesus shakes his head.

"He used me," Judas shakes his head. "To kill you. To end your life."

"I'm back!"

"You were crucified!" Judas screams. "You were crucified because of _me_!"

"Judas-" Jesus scrambles up as Judas rushes out of the room. He runs after him, but Judas gets into another one of the bedrooms and locks the door behind him.

"What happened?" Peter asks, sounding terrified as he grabbed the doorknob and wiggles. "Judas! Open the door!"

"It's my fault," Jesus shakes his head and pounds on the door. "Judas please open the door!"

"Move back," John snaps, pushing both of them away. He takes a deep breath and then slams his shoulder on the door, throwing it open.

The three of them scramble into the room, to find it empty and the window open.

"Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck," Peter curses, and yes. Jesus has to agree with that.

Judas had ran away from him.

"I think I know where he'd go," John says quietly.

"His father's grave," Jesus replies, because yes. That's where Judas always goes when he's frightened.

*

"Didn't take you long," Judas says dully when Jesus sits down on the ground next to him. Judas's fingers are caressing his father's white gravestone, eyes half closed. When Jesus puts a hand on his shoulder, the blond collapses against him, holding on to him tightly.

Judas goes crawling to the graveyard where his family rests every time he needs an escape from the world. Jesus can understand that instinct. His own father (his human father Joseph, of course) is buried in Bethlehem, of course, and he hasn't been there for far too long. Jerusalem, being the capital, is the natural place for a rabbi and prophet to be. But he misses his home.

His mother is here, of course, in Jerusalem. She's always been there for him. But he's not sure he can handle looking at her right now. It's not that he's angry, it's just that he's hurt-so very hurt.

He takes a deep breath and rubs Judas's back gently. This is not the time to think about his own hurts, he needs to focus on Judas's.

"I thought…before I did it, I thought about how I wouldn't be allowed to be buried here."

Jesus shakes his head, "I would have made sure you were."

"Well. I didn't know you would come back, did I?" Judas says bitterly. "That was the whole point."

"Yeah," Jesus sighs. "That's true."

Judas takes Jesus's hand in both of his and caresses his fingers, "Have you gone to see your mother yet?"

"Yes."

The blond peers at him, "You sound sad."

"And tired. I'm so, so tired," Jesus places his chin on Judas's shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I can still be sorry," Judas swats his head, and Jesus grins, feeling for a moment like nothing has changed, like they're the same as they were before. "You're sorry about all the pain anyone has ever felt in the world."

"So are you," Jesus reminds him gently. "Sometimes you don't rest because you think people are still suffering."

Judas nods slowly, "What a pair we make."

Jesus smiles, a bit sadly, and hugs Judas closer to him, "Can we go home now, please?"

Judas hesitates, and then nods, "Yeah. Let's go."

"And you'll…stay with me?"

There's a moment of silence, and then Judas's lips caress his palm and he says gently, "I'll always be with you."


	4. Chapter 4

When they get home, Peter rushes forward and cups Judas's face in his hands, peering down at him anxiously. Judas blinks up at him, silent and pliant as Peter looks him over.

"I'm fine," He mumbles, sounding petulant and so very young.

"Good," Peter nods. "Then you shouldn't have any problem showing me your arms."

Judas scowls, but shoves his long sleeves up to the crock of his elbow. Peter picks his arms up carefully and then nods again. Jesus wants to scream. He hadn't thought of doing that-the idea that Judas might have hurt himself had honestly never crossed his mind. But that's hardly an excuse. What if he had, and Jesus would have left him to bleed?

"Can I go now?" Judas asks. "I'm tired."

"Yeah, ok, go rest," Peter kisses Judas's forehead before releasing him, and Judas immediately rushes to the bedroom and closes the door behind him.

"I'm going to go to him," Jesus says, and then goes and does that.

Judas is on Jesus's mattress again, holding on to the sheets like they can save him, keep him grounded.

"Peter doesn’t trust me," Judas says when Jesus lays down on the mattress next to him.

"He's worried for you," Jesus replies gently, because it's as clear as day how afraid Peter is.

"He shouldn’t," Judas hides his face in the blanket. "He should want me dead."

"Want you dead? Why on Earth would he-"

The look Judas throws at him before curling away is enough to shut him up. He sighs deeply and tries to reach out to Judas, but his friend pushes him away, refuses him. Refuses his love.

"No one is mad, no one hates you. I explained to them that you didn't realize what would happen when you gave me up-not that I needed to. They didn't stop loving you."

But Judas shakes his head and curls deeper into himself, placing his hands over his ears as if he cannot take the gentle words.

*

On the second day after his resurrection he makes his grand re-entrance into the world. There seem to be thousands of people there waiting for him to talk, and maybe there are. He doesn’t remember much of what he says, but he does remember that by the time he's done, every single audience member is deathly silent and on their knees.

"Get up," He breathes out. "I'm not your king- _get up_."

"Come on," Mary whispers, taking his hand and leading him back towards their cars. She's shaking, but she hasn't gone on her knees yet, so he takes that as a win.

When he climbs into the back of the car Simon is driving he finds Judas in the exact same position he left him, gazing out the window with blinking eyes.

"Did you hear?" Jesus asks softly.

His blond friend nods carefully, "It didn't sound at all like you, buddy."

The relief that floods through his whole body is strong enough to make Jesus sag backwards. He hazards a smile at judas, but the other man just stares at him. He doesn’t look like he has the strength to smile back.

"It wasn't really me. Not all the way."

"Was it Him, then?"

Jesus nods as the car starts moving. Simon and John are in the car with them, and Jesus catches Simon's eyes in the mirror. He tries smiling, but Simon just nods his head the way you would at a boss you greatly respect but have no personal connection towards.

"I saw the Roman soldiers," Simon says. "They bowed down to you."

Jesus swallows.

"They won't fight you if you try-"

" _Simon._ No," Jesus shakes his head. "I told you before. That's not why I'm here."

"You're here to die," Judas says, making Jesus flinch. "And you're done that. Shouldn't you be free now?"

 _Here to die._ What a sad truth that is.

"He brought me back for a reason," Jesus says. "And it's not to start a war-"

"It's to prove His own divinity," Judas interrupts, which Jesus should really be used to by now. Still, it feels different now. There's no smirk, no drawl. Just a dull voice that goes completely silent when it's finished talking.

"Judas…" John warns quietly form the front seat.

"What? It's true," Judas snorts. "Isn't it true, _Son of God_?"

"Judas!" John snaps. "You can't talk to him like that!"

"Why? He's just a man, he's just a rabbi-"

"He's God!"

Jesus closes his eyes.

*

"I'm not God."

Judas blinks at him, turning the faucet off. They've stopped at a gas station on the way to Bethlehem, (for Jesus to speak at, there are people willing to listen all across the country now) and Judas needed to shave. So Jesus volunteered for 'Judas watching', as Mary put it, since no one trusts him alone with a razor.

"You know that, right?"

"Of course you're not," Judas spits out, and for some reason he's shaking, looking furious and frightened and confused. "If you were God you wouldn't feel pain."

His hands are clutching the razor, and it takes Jesus a moment longer than it should to realize that he's holding the part that has the knives in it. He darts forward to pry Judas's hand open but it's too late by then, his beautiful white skin is already dotted with blood.

"Oh, love," Jesus sighs deeply, trying to take Judas into his arms. But the other man jerks away and rushes out of the stall before Jesus has the chance to say anything.

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself on the wall. Peter and Thomas are both waiting outside for their turn in the bathroom, Judas won't get far, and Jesus needs a moment to get himself under control.

 _It's not you_ , he tries to convince himself. _He's suffering. He's not pushing you away- he's pushing everyone away._

But when he steps out of the bathroom, he finds Thomas cradling Judas in arms, soothing him gently. And Judas isn't pushing away from him, he's allowing the arms around him, the lips against his forehead.

*

"Is Judas…is he mad at me?" It seems like a stupid question, but Jesus needs to know.

Mary looks up from the plate of chips she's working through and smiles gently, patting the chair next to her for Jesus to sit on. He hadn't been sure if he should come to speak to her, since she was sitting alone outside the café while the rest of the apostles are inside. Jesus had been worried that they would be recognized, but it seems that he's only really recognized when giving sermons where his Father comes through him. The rest of the time he's still himself, still just a seemingly normal man.

"He's not mad at you," Mary takes his hand in hers. Jesus looks down at their intwined fingers, at the soft way she holds on to him. Sometimes he wishes that he could love her the way she loves him, the way he loves Judas. It would be easier. Mary is so much easier than Judas.

"Then why does he keep flinching away from me? Why won’t he let me help him?"

"Oh, Jesus…" Mary cups his cheek in her hand. "It's not because he's mad. It's because he's in pain."

"I know, that's why I want to help him," Jesus mumbles, feeling suddenly so very young and small.

"He feels that it's his fault that you suffered so much," Mary says gently. "And that he deserves to suffer because of it. He doesn’t feel he deserves your love and help. Can you blame him?"

Yes, Jesus very much can.

*

A few days after Jesus's reveal, he finds himself twisting and turning on his mattress in the hostel their sleeping in tonight. He's sharing a room with a few of the apostles, but not Judas, who's in the room next to him. Groaning, Jesus punches his pillow and tries to settle down again. He's so tired, but can't sleep. There's a pit churning in his stomach, making him feel as though there's something wrong out there that he doesn’t know of.

Sighing deeply, Jesus gives up and stands up. John, who's laying on the double bed next to him (he'd had to fight with him to get him to lay down next to him. John hadn't thought it would be right for anyone to share space with the Son of God. It hadn't made Jesus cry, but it was a close thing), mumbles and turns in his sleep. Jesus caresses his neck, making John sigh deeply and fall into a deeper sleep.

Is it _his_ touch, or did John just need human warmth to calm him down? Would any hand have done, or only the hand of the _Son of God_?

Jesus carefully steps through the bodies on the floor and opens the door, slipping outside carefully. The galilee night air hits his cheeks and sends his brown hair flying and he closes his eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation.

When he opens his eyes, his gaze immediately snaps towards the figure standing in front of him, leaning against the railway. It's Judas, dressed in a baggy shirt (that's Thomas's shirt, isn't it? Jesus's heart clenches, did Judas not bring enough of his own clothes?) and pajama pants. He's shivering, much too powerfully for it to be because of the cold.

"Judas," Jesus places a hand on Judas's shoulder and turns him gently so their face to face.

"Don’t," Judas hiccups. He's crying, his eyes red and puffy and his lower lip wobbling. "Please don't."

"Shh," Jesus gets down on his knees and pushes Judas down with him. "Please let me help you."

"I don't want your help," Judas cries. "It's not fair for you to want to help. You should hate me, please hate me."

"You want me to hate you because you want to just fall into your own self-hatred," Jesus snaps. "And you know that I won't let you. Because you're good and you deserve to live and I will never, ever stop telling you that."

"Until I believe it?"

"Even after that. Until we're both dead," Jesus says sharply. He kisses Judas's cheek, and then his nose, and then his forehead.

"And when will that be?" Judas mumbles, and his eyes seem hazy.

"What do you mean?" Jesus pushes blond locks out of Judas's eyes. "Are you asking me when we'll die? I'm afraid I can't help you there."

"Can't you?" Judas tilts his head, looking like a curious puppy and oh, Jesus wants to kiss his lips so badly. "Won't He take you away again soon?"

Jesus closes his eyes and brings Judas back into the circle of his arms, "If He tries to take me away from you, I'll fight Him."

But Judas shakes his head, like he doesn’t believe him.

"I love you," Jesus says quietly. "You must know that I love you."

"I know," Judas says, and Jesus sags in relief. But then grows rigid again when Judas adds, "You love everyone."

"No, it's not the same," Jesus rubs Judas's hair. "The way I love you is different than the way I love anyone else. I thought you knew that."

Judas doesn’t reply, just crawls into Jesus's embrace and allows himself to be held.


	5. Chapter 5

The knowledge comes to him ten days after his resurrection: his Father plans on sending him to Heaven forty days after bringing him back. He dreams of Heaven and wakes up screaming.

Mary tries to calm him, hushing him and hugging him close, but she can't. She's not the one he needs. Like when he was being tortured, his mind screams for one man and one man only.

"Judas," He whimpers. "Where is he?"

"Sleeping in the next room-"

"I'll get him," Peter says.

"You should let him sleep," Mary argues, and Jesus opens his mouth to agree, Judas needs his sleep.

But Peter shakes his head, "The Lord wants him. I'm going to get him."

The next time the door to the hotel room opens, Jesus peers from his blankets, body shaking from fear, to see Judas coming in.

"What’s goin' on?" Judas mumbles, clearly still half asleep.

"The Lord needs you," Peter says sharply, pushing Judas forward into Jesus's bed.

"I'm fine," Jesus rubs his face. He can't have Judas think he's weak, because then how will Judas rely on him? "Everything's all right, Judas."

Judas blinks at him, sitting down on the bed next to him. They stare at each other as the room empties off the rest of the apostles. Mary is the last to leave, hesitating by the door and looking back at them. Jesus tries smiling at her, but his eyes keep going back to Judas. Does he look worse? He seems to look worse with every day that goes by. Which probably comes from the fact that he hasn't been sleeping.

Oh, _Judas_ …

"What happened?" Judas asks, allowing Jesus to draw him under the blanket with him. Jesus places his head on Judas's chest and holds on to him tightly.

Jesus caresses Judas's chest, "Bad dream?"

"You don't have bad dreams. You don't have _dreams_ ," Judas points out which yes, is a good point. "You have visions."

"Bad vision, then," Jesus sighs.

"What was it, then?" Judas asks, and his hands begin running through Jesus's hair and oh-it makes him want to _purr_ it feels so good. "Tell me?"

Nodding, Jesus sits up and looks down at the blond, "Before I tell you, I need you to remember that I'm not going to leave you. Any of you."

"That's slightly ominous."

"He wants me to leave," Jesus says hesitantly. "In thirty days."

Judas blinks, "To Heaven. Leave to go to Heaven."

"I'm not going to," Jesus says, oddly calm.

Rubbing his face, Judas mumbles, "Right, of course! You're going to stop God from doing what He wants! Naturally!"

"I am," Jesus snaps. "He took my life once before; He doesn't get this one as well."

Judas tilts his head and then says, "Can you fight Him?"

"I'll figure it out," Jesus nods solemnly. "And besides, I was a virgin the first time I died, I really don't want to be a virgin the second time as well-"

Judas starts coughing.

"Are you ok?" Jesus asks, alarmed, and cups the back of Judas's neck. "Judas?"

"You're-" Judas coughs again, rubbing his eyes. "You're a _virgin_?"

Oh fuck, he had just said that, hadn't he?

Blushing lightly, Jesus looks down at the blanket and mumbles, "You knew I've never had a relationship, why is this surprising?"

"Not being in a relationship is one thing, being a virgin something else. Fuck, man," Judas shakes his head. "How can you be you and not-haven’t people been throwing themselves at you?"

The blush grows much deeper, "I don't want to-to be with someone because of my Father."

"What? That's not what I meant," Judas snorts, like Jesus is being ridiculously stupid.

"Then what do you mean?"

"I mean the way you look, you dumbass," Judas cuffs Jesus's ear gently.

"How I look?" Jesus mumbles.

"Yes, how you look," Judas rolls his eyes. "Come on, you must-you must know you're hot."

Jesus rubs the back of his head.

"Yeah, um. People have told me that…" He looks up at Judas hesitantly, "That's not why you care about me, is it?"

It doesn’t sound at all like Judas, but he has to hear, he really needs to know. He watches as Judas scowls at him and crawls up to place a hand on his chest, "How could you even ask me that, you dick."

Jesus finds himself unable to stop smiling, but Judas's faulters and he leans his head against Jesus's chest, "Will you really stop Him? Will you really stay?"

"I'll stay," Jesus promises and bites his lower lip. "I'll stay if you'll…um…help me?"

"Help you?"

"So I don't die a virgin again."

Judas stills, and then bursts out laughing. It's a bit hysterical, a bit sad, but only a bit. The rest of it is happy and calm. And that's really all Jesus can ask for at the moment. He's going to drain all the sadness out of Judas, one drop at a time.

He's got years to do it.


End file.
